Sunday, May 27, 2012

Some Days I Just Want To Watch The World Burn

I hate that buildup of anger. I dread it. It gets stuck inside of me, no chance of release without physical pain. That makes the anger worse. Why can't I just express my anger like a normal person? Why do I have to wait for it to be coursing through my body, aching, begging me to scratch until it can escape? That desire to be hurt in some way so strong that I can just lay there and scream until I'm under. Not that I would scream or cry in front of others. Have to hold it in. Have to be happy all the time. Anger, sadness, that has to be hidden. Shows I'm weak, selfish. This isn't about me. It's never about me. My loss, my suffering, my pain belongs to someone else. They have a right to express it, but I'm a bad person for doing that. My job in life is to be happy, to be their perfect little example of how awesome they are. I am just a toy to them, only allowed the life they want and not changable until they say so. Some days I just want to peel my skin away and bleed away the pain. Some days.