Sunday, May 27, 2012

Some Days I Just Want To Watch The World Burn

I hate that buildup of anger. I dread it. It gets stuck inside of me, no chance of release without physical pain. That makes the anger worse. Why can't I just express my anger like a normal person? Why do I have to wait for it to be coursing through my body, aching, begging me to scratch until it can escape? That desire to be hurt in some way so strong that I can just lay there and scream until I'm under. Not that I would scream or cry in front of others. Have to hold it in. Have to be happy all the time. Anger, sadness, that has to be hidden. Shows I'm weak, selfish. This isn't about me. It's never about me. My loss, my suffering, my pain belongs to someone else. They have a right to express it, but I'm a bad person for doing that. My job in life is to be happy, to be their perfect little example of how awesome they are. I am just a toy to them, only allowed the life they want and not changable until they say so. Some days I just want to peel my skin away and bleed away the pain. Some days.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Falling Up

My first post should be personal, honest... alive. So many things I want to write about. Falling Whistles, Tom's, NOW, Planned Parenthood, etc. But I cannot write on the world until I show the world who I am. First & foremost, the thing that came to mind was hoarding. I grew up in a house with hoarding, starting when I was about 12. I suppose I was fortunate to have not had it in my earlier years. Of course, it was always a clean hoarding. Everything in boxes, boxes everywhere. Constantly dirty dishes, unable to wash them myself. Any attempt I made to pick up was stopped. I could never do it right, or well enough, or didn't know what to do with the items I wanted to move or clean.

It's amazing the way STUFF can affect your life. Being an Adult Child of a Hoarder has often been described as similar to being the Adult Child of an Alcoholic. The above link lists common ACOA traits, & a short "quiz" to score you on your probability & assess you. I scored a 71. My parents never drank.

So many of those traits on the ACOA list match me perfectly. I won't go over them, no need to spill all my defects onto the blogosphere. But the need to isolate, the fear of rejection, the desire to please everyone... It all fits.

Do you feel real?

I do at times... Others not so much. I find myself struggling to express an emotion, looking to movies & tv for how these emotions were displayed. Mentally searching... Is there a way to express anger without yelling? I'm sad, how do I express this in a way that won't anger others? Being with other families, sharing in their happiness. Is this normal? Can I pretend that it is?

But ultimately, to pretend, to hide is miserable. In the long run, it is easier to recover & gain insight. To pull forward & find ways to let go of the pain. To find others who are struggling like you, & can help.

To learn that life is not just about what happened to you, but how you can move past it. I may still suffer with this, struggle every day to do basic things like answer the phone or open the door for someone,  but I will be stronger for it, & I will make my life better for it.